Even mundane suburban life, out in the western reaches of New York, can offer flickers of interest. This I learned, as you might imagine, at Five Below.
Perhaps it was the company’s Philadelphia connection—or perhaps it was just random chance.
Either way, I have my daughter to thank for being in the tween/teen demographic that Five Below preys upon.
The whole thing began when I learned that she needed to buy a birthday gift for a friend. I am not often privy to such information, which typically flows from my daughter to my wife and bypasses me completely, an arrangement that I find quite suitable.
On this day, however, the timing of my wife’s work schedule relative to the birthday party was not optimal, meaning it was time for the benchwarmer to score some garbage points.
As I started the vehicle, I took the opportunity to remind my daughter how helpful I am. Opting not to acknowledge my self-adulation, she continued to stare at a makeup-inspired Instagram reel.
Prior to the journey, of course, I had done my research, otherwise known as reading the Five Below Wikipedia page.
The company was founded in 2002 by two dudes somewhere near the aforementioned Philadelphia, and its rate of growth has since exceeded that of ComposeMD.
Conceived as a discount gift shop consisting of items priced at five dollars or less (with exceptions), the chain now claims over 1,800 stores in 44 states (numbers subject to change) and is traded publicly on the NASDAQ.
To be thorough, I also asked Google, i.e the AI overview, what sort of stuff I could buy. After mentioning something about trends, it spit back the following product categories:
Toys and games
Candy and snacks
Room decor
Tech and electronics
Arts and crafts
Beauty and personal care
Apparel and accessories
Household and cleaning
Stationery and school supplies
Seasonal and holiday items
Aside from the candy and snacks, I prepared for a difficult 50 minutes, including the 20 minutes spent battling other SUVs and minivans to get there and back.
Upon entering the store, I let my daughter run wild, reminding her to monetarily stay true to the store’s name.
I immediately made my way toward a large rack of chips, slowly inching away after the words of my wife, mother, mother-in-law, neighbors, and various coworkers began to echo through my head. Let’s just say that none had referred to me as skinny.
With 29 minutes left to burn, I started to roam, making note of crap, followed by even more crap.
I felt a brief flash of contentment after noting the pure joy on my daughter’s face as she plotted to spend our hard-earned money.
Then, like a good middle-aged man, I reverted to a baseline state of irritation.
Suddenly, as if all my prayers had been answered at once, I stumbled upon a section that the AI guide had overlooked:
Books!
Skipping over the surprisingly robust Biblically-inspired pile, my eyes started darting around, knowing that somehow, someway Five Below wouldn’t let me down.
And there, under some sort of manual on self-help for women, was exactly what I had been looking for.*
*Note: I also bought a Whatchamacallit.
(Title image courtesy Wikimedia Commons)
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